Culture in the Blender

Yesterday, I went very reluctantly to the Anti-Prop 8 rally in California where I live.  I went with the attitude that “since no-one supports my right to hook up ever with anyone, and since I strongly oppose any kind of marriage at all, what am I doing here!”  A very extreme generalization but indeed one that has seemed to always persistently manifest on the surface.  I have always felt an undercurrent of social stigma in the air as an unmarried, long celibate heterosexual man.  It is often non-verbal, but I have had these words occasionally hurled at me: “Stalker”, “Pervert”, “Weirdo” or “Loser”, or merely “You make women Uncomfortable”.  I have seen the attitude at school or on Facebook, among family and with friends.  The only quarter I have never got that vibe is from my umpteen married, committed, lesbian or related female friends and family.  In near total isolation, it is often hard to disregard the message the world is giving you and avoid believing in it. However, I really got into the spirit of the rally as we went along, and found some common ground, something so deeply lacking of recent.

As I stayed and “felt the love go around”, it became clear what I was doing there.  When I was at the rally, a girl from my law school spoke about the legal implications etc., both in a Federal and Californian context.  She was representing my Evidence professor there,  herself a very spunky and vivacious lady who had filed an amicus brief against Ken Starr (who himself had also taught Jurisprudence at my school).  However, most important were the words of one of the pastors at that reformist church, “The minority NEVER has to live apologetically at the acceptance and tolerance of the majority or mainstream”, which mirrored my thoughts.  I understood then that this was not about mere gender orientation and institutions under the law, but about the attitude of society in general to the concepts of relatedness, intimacy, equality and unity that have been the pervasive common thread, be it in the Code of Hammurabi, the Torah, Bible, Koran or Bhagavadgita, the Magna Carta, the Declaration des Droits des Hommes, the US, South African or Indian constitutions among others, the Grundgesetz der Bundesrepublik Deutschland, the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, the UN Charter, or several EU declarations.  The only difference is since we as TCKs have not yet given ourselves recognition, let alone been able to expect it from the world’s great institutions.  It may come too late for some, but come it will, and many of us will be able to benefit and flourish, as no doubt many of us already have in the face of the adversity.  I could see that the discussion was taking on currents that our discussion may take on in 5, 10 or 20 years.  But it was more apparent to me than ever that because of our different socialization and indeed sexualization, we are indeed a distinct variation on the species, one that needs an identity and desperately requires protection from the whims, laws, bureaucracy, mores, social contract and judgments of the “mainstream”.

I told the pastor at that church that I would be back to introduce the TCK concept and issues to her.  I also was able to explain the issue to some other friends that had no idea at all, some of whom even met the definition of TCKs.

“In Germany they first came for the Communists,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me —
and by that time no one was left to speak up.” – Pastor Martin Niemöller