Airport reading and adventures
A week ago, I flew to see my boyfriend and had to connect through O’Hare. Even without a snowstorm, there were weather delays – due to lightning this time. I brought along Ruth Van Reken’s book Letters Never Sent to read. While I can’t say that I recognized my own experience other than very occasionally, it did teach me something about the differences between different kinds of third culture kids. Assuming her book is representative of the missionary kid experience (which I have no qualifications to judge myself), missionary kids have an overwhelming sense of obligation to their deity. A lot of their experience is shaped by feeling guilty about their feelings of pain due to being a TCK, because they think they are defying God’s will by feeling that way. (If any MKs have comments on this, feel free to correct me.) I don’t recognize that at all. My upbringing has perhaps been globally speaking unusually secular, but I think a large part of the disconnect is due to that my reason for being yanked around was economic globalization. Religion was, in my world, a private matter. Something unrelated to everything TCK-related. I tried seeking solace in religion, only to find that I failed to believe in a deity no matter how comforting it might have been.
What does seem similar is the feeling that one’s life is subordinate to larger machinations of life. Where God’s will is the reason for missionary kids becoming TCKs, for us business brats it’s economic globalization. If business is good in China, someone has to go to China to ensure the subsidiary is run in the way expected by the parent. If the American subsidiary is losing money, someone’s got to go fix it. They evidently can’t take care of it themselves. If someone with specific technical skills is needed in Timbuktu, you find someone somewhere that has them and send them to Timbuktu. Ruth became a missionary herself. I am striving to become an international businesswoman. We go back to what we know. I do not see God’s hand guiding things. I see capitalism and the professional classes guiding things. The young Ruth separated people into Christians and non-Christians. The young me separated people into professionals and working-class people. (A tendency not helped by living in a country where class consciousness is politically very important.) Ruth sees God as the alpha and omega of our world. I see free trade and economic globalization as the alpha and omega of our global economy and thus world. God wants your parents to be missionaries. Your parents are needed somewhere else to take advantage of a market opportunity. Either way, your needs, wants and desires are irrelevant to the powers that be.
At O’Hare, my flight was delayed two hours and I went to a bar to spend some time. As a TCK I know how to make superficial friends quickly, and was soon seated with three other semi-stranded people talking. What felt like all of a sudden, the white guy drunk enough to buy us all rounds of drinks was chatting with the prison convict about being ’88’ and doing a sieg heil. The prison convict, who was Latino and spoke Spanish, shared a video on his mobile of Obama morphing into a monkey. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it. The only other person I’ve seen do a sieg heil was the budding neonazi in 8th grade. He did a sieg heil in public. This American did a sieg heil in public. And he expected not only me and the other white guy at the table, but the Latino to empathise! I really hope this guy is as freakish as he seems to me. I really do. I half expected him to pull out a knife and threaten people. I’m writing this on the plane (to be posted later, of course) and I still can’t believe that he did a sieg heil in public. He was hitting on me, despite the fact that the second thing I told him was that I was flying to see my boyfriend, and as soon as he did the sieg heil it went from pathetic to disgusting. He planted a kiss on my head when he was leaving, and I wish he had never touched me. And I’m disgusted with myself for not saying so to his face.
I kind of felt similar feelings when I got kicked out of an all-white bar the other night even though albeit drunk myself. I think my reverse psychology was to scream “Nazis” as they were kicking me out.
Like you I’m a business brat so what I know of MKs is ’second-hand’. But I believe the experiences and feelings of an MK are dependent upon the person – some MKs are as you described, and think that talking about what they’re going through is like saying that what they’re going through is more important than God, which obviously, for a believer, isn’t something they’re going to want to say. On the other hand I think there are some who don’t believe in God as strongly and are more able to talk about these things.
As an oil brat I wasn’t brought up with any religious influence, partly due to there not being any churches etc. in places where I was (in particular in China in the mid-90’s, as I’m sure you’ll understand), but even now that my parents live in Europe they don’t go to church (my Mom does for Christmas and occasionally Easter, but that’s it). As a result I’m not religious, although am slightly envious of people who are, because they have something to believe in; something that is always there, a belief that they can trust and that can make them happy, just because they believe. But I can’t bring myself to believe in a God either – the way a person is raised is essentially what defines that, with a few exceptions. I too am entering the business world (semi-international, at least within Europe), but am kind of aiming for an oil company to be able to move around. So I completely agree, as humans we tend to look for what we know.
As for Nazi-dude… hopefully he got a connecting flight to Germany, did another sieg heil there where it’s illegal, and got arrested. Unfortunately that’s probably not the case, but there’s no harm in hoping, right?
I think part of my shock at the sieg heil is that I unconsciously assumed that he knew he might get arrested or at the very least kicked out of the bar or maybe the airport. I somehow thought that it would attract the attention of security one way or the other. You just can’t do that. You just can’t. But apparently, you can.
It’s very interesting to see your perspective on Van Reken’s book. As a missionary kid, I can relate to much of what is in her book, although the tck experience does change by generation, and I would say it is quite a bit easier these days due to globalization.
I would certainly say that my childhood experiences have left some painful things in life, most particularly a sense of rootlessness and never belonging. However, I wouldn’t trade it for the world and I treasure the uniqueness of my “cultural blender” of a life. I have retained my faith, but at least for me personally there is no guilt in struggling with parts of life or my background. There is no denying the suffering the world, self, and the individuals around us. If faith can’t cope appropriately with that suffering, then I would say it isn’t a very good faith. Faith and suffering must be compatible.
Hah! I loved your O’Hare story. Classic Chicago experience. You never know who you’ll meet.
Nick – you mentioning oil brat made me remember a moment when I realized how the “high mobility” aspect of a TCK’s lifestyle can be important even when you youself aren’t that mobile. I had a summer job at ABB where I sorted out the archives of the unit my dad used to work for. So many of those names I recognized – places and projects I heard mentioned throughout my childhood. Many in China and many in the Middle East. Labeling a binder ‘ARAMCO’ was a complete waste of time there – WHICH ARAMCO? Which year? I recognized Chinese projects my ex-boyfriend’s mother negotiated on. Three Gorges was there too, of course, in the more recent archives. That really made me think. From a project contract, to business travel, banquets, completion of the project, to an archived binder – to my parents living in Chongqing, not far from the Gorges – people around me were mobile, and staring at the binders made me realize that their mobility did, in fact, impact me too, even though I stayed put for long times.
Kacie – how are things different for MKs now?
Well, for instance, Van Reken was raised in the days when most mks left their families at a young age and went to boarding school. I think the expatriate community is generally now more aware of the issues that that can bring up. Boarding schools have shrunk, and generally kids start attending them at an older age.
In addition, thanks to globalization there is less of a polarity between the home culture and the lives of third-culture kids overseas. Thanks to the internet they can stay in touch with friends and family much more easily, as well as keep tabs on the pop culture at home. I think most tcks have an easier transition these days, thought there is still that sense of rootlessness.
Beyond all of that, thanks to the extensive research on tcks in the past generation, there is a greater awareness of the effects of that sort of upbringing. There is more education of the parents, the children themselves, and the sending organizations or businesses. Hopefully this results in the children having more tools to cope with the unique difficulties of a TCK upbringing.
I personally have work at an mk reentry seminar in the US which was intentional in trying to counsel mks through the culture shock and grief of the transition to college in the US. I got to meet Ruth Van Reken and other experts in TCK research. Her book had already hit home with me, but meeting her was fantastic because she is so spunky and gentle at the same time. I’m thankful for her tireless work in the field.
sorry for the bad grammar in my comment – should have read over it before posting!
That’s interesting. One of the things that has surprised me is that nothing seems to have changed from when we first expatriated. The second time our sponsoring organization seemed no more aware about TCK issues than the first time, and I imagine that it’s simply a matter of that it’s not related to business. There’s lots and lots and lots of articles and research on how to get expats settled in and becoming productive in a new culture, but the families seem to be left to their own devices. We’ve met a lot of expat families (mostly from ABB, Nokia, Ericsson, Ford, GM, and BP) who clearly haven’t been informed either, not even with respect to raising bilingual children. I wonder if it’s different with MKs, since the parents’ ‘business’ is dealing with people?